The adventures of sober dating
The adventures of sober dating
Shagging, shots and skating - here's the good, the bad and the ugly of dating without beer-goggles, courtesy of my lovely, funny, honest friend Ruth.
The adventures of sober dating, by Ruth Cooper-Dickson.
I have been sober dating for six years this November. In this time I’ve had some shorter-term relationships, and I met my now ex-boyfriend, who I lived with for a while. Prior to 2018 I had never dated sober. Most relationships, flings or one-night stands were on the back of social gatherings, nights out and pub visits where alcohol was the central factor. I was married for four years, and I met my ex-husband in the local pub! I’ll be honest, I was terrified when I started dating sober because I thought I wouldn’t be confident enough or brave enough. Alcohol was a huge part of my social world. My skewed thinking told me without the booze I would not be as liberated or as sexy … neither which turned out to be true.
Here are some of my most memorable dating moments:
Your date who gets drunk
I went on a Halloween date to a bar in a lovely restaurant in Spitalfields Market. He started matching me drink for drink on my alcohol-free beer with his large red wine. We had been there a couple of hours and decided to go downstairs for food. He then moved on to G&Ts. By the time we left he was wasted. He wanted to pop into Be at One bar in Bishopsgate for a nightcap. This was an early sober date for me, and I wanted to still appear ‘fun’. We walked in and my feet were sticking to the floor. It was late and already the revellers had started to move on to afterparties. He had his sambuca shot, and I put him in an Uber and got myself home. Quite rightly, I didn’t see him again.
Coffee dates for the win
A chilled coffee date is easy for a first date. You can relax into it as alcohol is not a factor. I have had coffee, breakfast and brunch dates as well as coffee-and-a-walk dates. They take the pressure off and allow you to see someone in the cold light of day without the booze. You don’t have to give up your evening, which as an introvert I love! There is also safety in a coffee date, and you can duck out early if you’re just not that into it. I once made the excuse that I had a meeting to get back for when I realised it was not going as I hoped. A bonus is that even if the date doesn’t go well or they are not for you, you still have cake, pastries, or a yummy brunch for the win.
The activity date for fun
I love an activity date! These can be a lot of fun and take the pressure off the initial awkward conversation, because you are focused on doing something. I recently went on an ice-skating date. I had been wanting to go for ages and had no-one to go with, so when the guy I was chatting to on Bumble liked the idea it was a win for me. It was a lot of fun and kept the conversation going (even though he didn’t make it to second date status).
One date booked us tickets to an art exhibition at a gallery in London for our third outing. That was interesting and helped us to connect around a shared topic, something I had not done before. And the thought he’d put into the date told me a lot about him.
When I lived in Southend, I had dates sea swimming and eating ice-cream. During the pandemic, when we needed to be outside and not much was open, I had a few dates mountain biking. ‘Mountain bike guy’ and I ended up dating for six months. Our first date took place at a service station (nothing else was open!) where we sat outside and had a Greggs sausage roll and a coffee.
Feedback from my dates
I am all about feedback, so when I’ve asked my dates how it feels to date someone sober they have said:
You get to know someone much quicker without the booze and the beer goggle chat.
There is space for deeper conversation early on, helping to build connection and check compatibility.
You must be creative when planning and organising dates – in my opinion this also highlights someone’s level of interest and effort.
You should check the bar/restaurant to make sure there is a good range of alcohol-free beverages on the menu - if they have been this considerate it’s always a brownie point from me!
Safety first
I can’t imagine not dating sober now. I feel more in control of the date, and I am happy to leave if it’s not going my way. Early this year I had a horrendous date, likely the worst date of my 30 years of dating. It involved a long drive to meet someone who was rude, with bad behaviour. He was talking about other women, with his mouth full of food (which gave me the ick). I stood up to leave and told him I was going to give him some feedback, and that he needed to get his shit in order before joining dating apps. I flounced out of the restaurant without a second glance. To be honest if I was drinking, I would have been stuck there, or likely with the beer goggles I would have found an excuse for his behaviour until the following day.
I find dating sober empowers me. I am not putting myself into what could be considered risky situations and sober sex (with the right partner!) is fun, empowering and pretty bloody awesome.
Dating itself is not easy, but for me it’s 1000% better without the booze. I’ve had more fun (despite the couple of rogue dates, which is normal) in the last few years than all my dating with booze.
I would love to hear your stories of dating sober!
You can share your sober date stories with Ruth via her Substack, , or Instagram, @ruthcooperdickson. Or drop your comments below. We’d love to hear from you!