Parenting is HARD.
Looking for ways to switch off, zone out or defrag is entirely natural. But they don't have to be alcoholic.
So far today, I’ve said ‘Don’t eat the soap!’ and ‘Poo does NOT come out of your willy.’ So far, so normal for a mum of young boys. Parenting is hard - that’s generally agreed. But my god, there is NOTHING so hard as parenting toddlers.
It’s physical. You get bruises. I got a black eye once from a flying fist. I got an eye infection (this is gross - be warned) from a bit of toenail shooting into my eye when I trimmed it from a tiny foot. My eye hurt for days. Mastitis was so fucking sore. I had incredible arm guns (on one side only) from carrying a tiny human on my hip. And I did all this on very little sleep.
On that note… the sleep. Babies don’t sleep well, we all know that. But nor did my toddlers. They were awake from 4am, way before the CBeebies scheduling starts. That is bleak, especially in the dark mornings of winter.
You have no time for yourself. We had no family close, and couldn’t afford babysitters. So we never went out. (Thank you to my NCT friend who gave us a 3 hour window for dinner once, where we ate three courses whilst - obviously - talking about our kid.) My son didn’t take a bottle for 10 months, so I couldn’t be away from him for longer than 3 hours. That rules out cinema trips, girls’ nights, half days back at work earning a bit of dosh from KIT days, dates, and pretty much everything else.
And I’ve barely touched the sides. So it’s no wonder that as new mums, new parents, we sometimes rely a bit too much on the booze to self-soothe, to relax, to reward ourselves. Because what else is there?
Besides, new mum cards feature bottles of champagne. NCT catch ups revolve around Prosecco (or, when we were feeling fancy, Crémant de Loire from Lidl). You read books called ‘Why Mummy Drinks’ and I was given ‘The Knackered Mother’s wine guide’. Mummy wine culture is EVERYWHERE - t-shirts on Etsy, memes that play on ‘wine not whine’, wine glasses that have ‘It’s 5 o’clock somewhere!’ etched on the base.
And this tells us it’s ok. It tells us that it’s ok to be a mum with a glass of wine in hand. It’s your ‘reward.’ Look, if you are a mum, reading this with wine in hand, it *is* ok. But let me tell you what’s NOT ok. Drinking wine because what you really need is support, and there aren’t the resources for you to find it. Drinking wine because you are stressed and tired and you can’t think of another way to get through the witching hour before bedtime. Drinking wine because you think you might cry at how crushingly tired you are, how bored you are of soaking onesies in Vanish, how much you miss hanging out with your partner, how your trousers don’t fit and there’s a bit of milk puke on your sleeve… or is it yogurt?? These are the times when what you really need is a hearty dinner, an early night, 9 hours of unbroken sleep and a housekeeper who works overnight.
What’s the solution? I think so much of this is lazy marketing. So let’s cut out the tired ‘Mummy needs wine’ messaging, and think about what she really needs (a functioning NHS, appropriate mental health support, a decent return to work policy, and shared parental leave that works.) Let’s ditch the pressure on mums to get back into the jeans, to breastfeed, to find every moment a miracle (poo on the walls is not a. miracle, even though in some ways it’s quite impressive, but that’s another story), to be attending every baby class, to have all the baby gear… FFS, just let parents get through the first few years with less pressure.
Because when you come out the other side, it is easier. And it’s still magical. Mine are 10 and 8 now, and I’ve got my time back. I’ve got my relationship (mostly) back. I’ve worked out how to balance family life with my own time, and with my career. And they are so FUN and delightful to be around. That bit hasn’t changed. And I’m so grateful, every single day, that I escaped the mummy wine culture and ditched the drink to be fully present, available, and content in the moments we have together. I don’t blame anyone still in it. But I do know so many want to escape it and don’t know how. That’s where I can help. Watching another mum rediscover herself without alcohol is almost as rewarding as watching your kids grow up. And I’m lucky enough to get to do both.